April 9, 2011 HERE

April 13, 2011 HERE

The last photo, April 15, 2011 HERE

With one week remaining in this year of magical thinking, I reviewed The SC posts of April 2011.  I vividly remember the moments in time that are documented in the above photos, which Nelson took, though weak yet determined.  He transitioned five days after our last date and his last photo.  I now realize that without my blog I wouldn’t have these dear memories frozen in time.

As I approach this week, I don’t know what to expect as feelings are unpredictable, like death.  I notice the return of ‘grief bursts,’ but they are less intense and much less frequent than a year ago. They can be triggered by unusual happenings, such as the crab apple blossoms falling from the tree in front of our home.  They were in full bloom just a few days ago and they mirror the cycle of life, loss and renewal.

All the ‘firsts’ have come and gone. I received a letter from hospice, describing possible anniversary date responses, and set it aside.  I remember reading in several grief books that this day has significant importance.  I also know that each individual responds differently.  There must be a space between expecting the worst and denial.  And in that space I will wear a hat!

Camille and The SC plan to spend the day together with our memories, honor the year that we have experienced together and the future that we both look forward to.  A structure will be in place to provide peace and celebration.  We are both still standing.

21 Comments

  1. You are still standing, clearly. It’s interesting how you chose the kimono for the photo. The lives of samurai have been compared to cherry blossoms – blooming and then falling quickly with honour and beauty. And thank goodness for the shelter of a hat!

  2. reading your blog offers such strength–the way you’ve dealt with difficult events is so inspiring. you seem to handle everything with grace and put your whole self into every aspect of your life. it’s really admirable. thank you for sharing so much with us. sending my positive thoughts to you over this sad anniversary.

  3. Judith, I feel privileged to be one of the readers with whom you have shared your experience of the past year. Your openness, courage, and creative spirit have been so inspiring, and my heart has gone out to you so many times in the past 360 days, and continues to over this final week. You are still standing, and still the awesome woman you were when you starting this journey, only more so. Be kind to yourself this week, and savour the wonderful memories.

    *Hug*

  4. Grief bursts. A rather accurate label to describe emotions. As this first anniversary year comes to a close, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Camille. What has surprised me most during these first months after my Son has passed is the physical pain incurred. I had no idea how exhausted I would be, how painful the grief bursts can be. I respect your drive to continue to live your life while honoring the life you had. No small task. Take care.

  5. The Year of Magical Thinking. How well Joan Didion described it. How eloquently you’ve documented your own. Reading back over your early posts after Nelson’s transition, and further on, your slow reemergence, and watching the light and vibrancy in your face begin to show again these last months, has been truly inspirational.
    All the wonderful memories you’ve shared with us, the marvelous style, your trips, your friends–I am so grateful for passing this year with you.
    The 17 is my birthday, the anniversary of your ” dime we keep turning on” entry. I will toast you and Nelson on the birthday I’m so lucky to have, and you and beautiful Camille will be in my thoughts this week.
    Love from Arabia,
    Margaret

  6. It is so beautiful and quiet. The colors are so soft and when I read what you write, I think it’s so beautiful and powerful. The fine kimono and purple jackets speaks for itself. I love your blog. I wish the best for you and your daughter.
    your Danish friend Anne-Marie

  7. I’m so happy to read that you are doing well and that you can write about all this so beautifully. I hope you and your daugther have a wonderful day together, full of beautiful memories.

  8. You do write so well, and so expressively. I’m glad that the blog has helped you “grab moments” that may otherwise have passed unnoticed. And of course, you have made so many friends and gathered many admirers. I am only one of many. I’m sure for every comment you receive there are a hundred who would like to say something but are shy in expressing themselves. Your sense of style and beauty have survived this terrible blow, and truly inspire us all.

    Much love from England,
    Rose www. foreveronthecatwalkoflife.com

  9. I remember these pictures. It seems like an eternity, and yet it seems like yesterday. You continue to be a beacon for those of us who are privileged to know you, through Style Crone and otherwise.

    Please know I’m thinking of you as you approach this anniversary, and my heart goes out to you.

    With love,

    Jean

  10. I found your blog from Advanced Style. Sending you good vibes and thoughts this week. Thank you for sharing your life and thoughts. I have just started reading but am already enjoying it greatly.

    Nicole

  11. You are truly beautiful from the inside out. You’re in my thoughts and prayers as your healing continues. The courage to share so openly is inspiring to us all. Carol

  12. You are as beautiful as ever. Thank you for sharing not only the photos, and the outfits, but your journey. You’ve shared Neilsen with us and we hold his memory in our hearts now as well. Hugs to you and your daughter Camille.

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